I’m in my third trimester. I now look extremely pregnant, not just like I ate one too many donuts for breakfast. Which gives everyone else permission to ask me about the pregnancy.
After the requisite, “When are you due?” (May 25th) “Boy or girl?” (Girl) and “Do you have a name picked out?” (No, and even if I did, I wouldn’t share) comes the big one:
“How are you feeling?”
Said question is typically accompanied by a furrowed brow, tilted head and sympathetic smile. I HATE answering this question. Because no one wants to know the REAL answer.
How am I feeling?
Well, the baby is sitting right on my sciatic nerve, so I’m basically walking around with jolts of lightning running from my left buttock down to my toes.
Oh, and I woke up three times in the middle of the night to pee, then my toddler woke me up at 6:30am, so I’m a little sleep deprived.
And, did you happen to see this humongous alien on my chin? Well, it’s not really an alien, that’s just my pet name for him. He’s a big acne flare up.
Plus, there’s that migraine I’ve had for three days.
Don’t forget the sinus infection that my little guy gifted me when he sneezed in my mouth last week.
And the yeast infection that I’m getting over. The third one in three months.
Yeah. I’m pregnant. So, that’s how I’m feeling.
But you just want me to smile and say, “Great! I’m feeling great.”
So, that’s what I do. Because pregnant ladies are supposed to glow, right?
And although I may not voice these ailments out loud when you ask, I still think them in my head. And I don’t want to dwell on them any more than I already do.
Instead, here are 5 other things you could ask:
Wanna grab a bite to eat?
When you’re pregnant, the offers of “wanna grab a drink” after a long day at work dry up. What? Like I can’t go to a bar, order an appetizer of fried pickles and a water and blow off steam like everyone else? Heck, I probably need it more than you do. So, please, don’t stop asking me out just because I can’t drink for 9 months. I bet there’s still food wherever you’re going. And pregnant ladies love food.
Can I get that for you?
Chances are I’m likely to drop something while I’m in your presence. For some reason, pregnancy makes you clumsy. And if I drop something, I’m not bending over to pick it up. It’s just gonna stay there. So if I drop a pen, a paper, my fork, my napkin, a book, my keys, whatever, you don’t even have to ask, just pick it up for me. Same thing goes if I’m carrying something – offer to take it out of my hands. Unless it’s ice cream. Never take a pregnant lady’s ice cream.
What can I take off your plate?
Not my literal plate. Because, again, never touch a pregnant lady’s food. My metaphorical plate. Whether you’re a friend, neighbor or co-worker, there’s gotta be something on my never-ending to-do list that you can help me tackle. Like hanging pictures in the baby’s room. Or helping me make freezer meals for after baby’s arrival. Or can you just go to that lunch meeting and take notes for me? Why? Cause I’ll have to pee at least four times during the darn thing, so it’s like I won’t be there anyway. Okay, thanks! Oh, and bring me back a brownie.
Can I babysit for you?
So, this won’t work for first time moms. But for those of us who already have one or more kids at home, the offer to babysit so we can run some errands, get our nails done, grab a prenatal massage, take a nap or have a date night would be much appreciated. Just because I’m already a mom doesn’t mean I don’t need some time off from it every now and then – especially before I add one more to my brood.
Is there anything you need for baby?
Again, first time moms – you’re covered here. You’ll have a baby shower or two and your house will overflow with gifts. But after that first kid, people just assume you have everything you need. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If your second kid is the opposite gender (which is the case for me), you’ll need all new clothes, crib sheets and blankets. Plus, babies always need essentials like diapers, wipes and butt cream. And of course, there’s all the newfangled baby gear that’s come out in the past few years that I didn’t have with my first. Seriously, how did I survive without a Snoo, an Owlet or Freemies? Yes, those are all real things.
So please, stop asking pregnant ladies how they’re feeling.
Because we all feel like we’ve swallowed a bowling ball with 18 feet and elbows that’s eventually going to kick it’s way out of our lady bits whether we like it or not.
Let’s focus on something else instead, shall we? Like food. Anyone have a cupcake?