Do you remember those Chuck Norris facts from the mid-2000s? Like the classic: ‘The boogeyman checks under his bed at night for Chuck Norris’ or ‘Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.’
Believe it or not, I have actually found a human with even greater powers than the legendary Chuck Norris. I present to you…
The Top Ten 4-Year-Old Facts
- A 4-year-old is always right and has a valid excuse about everything that somehow gets them out of any trouble. As in, ‘Yes, I spilled the entire gallon of chocolate milk on the brand-new carpet, but that’s because there was a pretend fire and I had to put it out. I was saving the day.’
- A 4-year-old can teleport, but never lets you see him do it. You can be intently watching him play outside, turn your head for literally 3 seconds, look back, and he’s running on top of the SUV.
- A 4-year-old has incredible selective hearing abilities. Their built-in noise filter won’t let any ‘please clean your room’ or ‘you may have a piece of candy after you finish your dinner’ through. But if you even so much as whisper ‘I just need a damn break,’ you are guaranteed to have it on repeat at church on Sunday.
- There’s nothing scarier than 5 minutes of peace and quiet coming from a 4-year-old’s room. You know you’re in for a treat! When you finally get the courage to go and check, you are HOPING for crayons or markers on the wall, because that’s a best-case scenario.
- A 4-year-old has the uncanny ability of meeting health insurance deductibles…by February.
- A 4-year-old always wants to hold his baby sibling…for 7 seconds, at which time you better be ready to catch the baby, because the 4-year-old is going to drop him on the floor. That’s what you do with your toys when you’re bored with them, apparently.
- A 4-year-old can honestly control your mind. I mean, you just walked in to Target and bought him the same toy for the 4th time because you were somehow convinced that:
- no, he did not already have 3 of those at home (probably hidden between the couch cushions) AND
- he would die without it, because it is more vital to his survival than water.
- A 4-year-old is miraculously adept at certain things and inept at others. For instance, if you go to the bathroom yourself, when you come out, he’s somehow climbed to three different very high locations to get a bowl, box of cereal, and a gallon of milk, and made himself a perfect bowl of cereal. But if there’s 7 small toy trains on the floor, it’s physically impossible for him to pick them up on his own. In fact, he’ll use that mind control again to convince you that you need to pick them up yourself.
- A 4-year-old has somehow expanded his influence onto other members of his extended family, such that, at other siblings’ birthday parties, baby showers, hell, even ‘just because it’s a Saturday,’ grandma’s going to have a present for him to open.
- Throughout all the trials and tribulations a 4-year-old will put you through, their greatest power is how much they love you. They can pee on the floor, take their clothes off and run out the door, or sneak an entire package of Oreos (but just the cream frosting, of course), but turn around, give you a giant hug, and say, ‘I love you mommy.’ And then, well, all is right with the world.